A Priest, a Lawyer, and an IRS Agent Walk Into a Bar…

"Your father has died," they say.

“Did he suffer?” you ask.

All three shrug and say in unison, “Not as much as you’re going to.”

You hold out hope one of them will pick up the tab for a moment because, you know—sympathy. Then you realize that no matter why they're at the bar talking to you, any money they spend will be billed to your inheritance.

As we grow older, we recognize that all the time, attention, and financial resources poured into our raising wasn't a gift but a loan. We acknowledge our parent's mortality and that when they most need to organize their affairs, they can be least capable of doing so. As their son or daughter, it becomes our responsibility to set their experiences in order and protect them, and ourselves, during the largest transfer of wealth in human history.

Yes, we worry about money first because everyone else following your parent's death will be worrying about money too. Grief is important, and loss is a struggle, but one of the most underrated assets in the death of a parent is being able to put the money issues last. You've already been worrying about it, or you wouldn't have found your way to my site. You're already asking questions like "How can I manage finances for my surviving mother to keep her comfortable?" and "What will happen after my parents pass?" That you are asking these questions before your parent's death means you're asking the essential questions.

Next, I will inform you of the appropriate steps to set up a comfortable transition between life and death for your surviving parent, you, and your family. These steps will protect their assets through their passing and ensure comfort to their surviving spouse. Then, you'll have time to grieve because you won't be worried about who's to pay for it.

What do they Own?

Your parents have lived 6 to 9 decades of adult life. That's 6 to 9 decades of accumulated stuff. Stuff that isn't physical but financial, digital, and in many cases proven only by 40-year-old slips of paper that, when asked about, will elicit a parental response something like "Oh, that might be in a filing cabinet in the storage unit in Denver. I don't know."

That slip of paper could be the key to them dying with $10,000 or $100,000. As people age, they can lose track of their important documents, lists, and accounts. Maybe it's a psychological attempt to avoid dealing with their inevitable death. It may even be deflection. As people age, they become afraid that others are after their money. It's not uncommon for older people to distrust their children, thinking, "They are after my money." Elder abuse is a thing… However, their concerns can be overcome and need to be overcome for their sake.

Listing their assets requires a broad scope of what is considered an asset. You might want a notepad handy to jot these down as they come up. Start by listing all of the things of value that could help pay for end-of-life care and funeral expenses and, if applicable, take care of a surviving parent. Typical examples include the obvious, like their homes, savings accounts, pensions, annuities, and valuable possessions like jewelry, furniture, and even clothing. Anything that you think may financially help pay for their passing and the comfort of the surviving parent is an asset. You might imagine that it would be straightforward that when your father dies, your mother keeps her jewelry, but depending on how wills are structured, debts are owed, and records are kept, everything is up for eats by the vultures when they start circling. And they will circle. Baby Boomers are the wealthiest generation of human beings in 2000 years, and everyone, including scammers, wants a piece of it.

After you have all the assets listed, find out how they are held. Are they titled and paid off? Where are those titles held? Accumulate the information you need to gain access to them, like passwords, signatures on accounts, and keys to safety deposit boxes. Safety deposit boxes sometimes default to bank ownership upon death. Some states require that cars be re-titled to transfer upon death, and some just default to the spouse. You may also want to manage online passwords for your parents to financial apps and sites. You will also want to ask about any insurance they may have, such as home, car, and health insurance, so you can make financial decisions when they may be incapacitated.

The gist of it is if it's a piece of paper, you want the correct name on it. If it is physical, you want to know where the key is. If ownership is ambiguous, clarify it. Scale this to your surviving parent's capability to cope and comprehend cautiously, lest you upset them for seeking too much control.

What do they owe?

Your next step is to list all your parent's liabilities. A liability is anything financial they owe or is insecure. Your list is already halfway done, as you probably discovered a lot of liabilities when listing their assets, such as missing titles or property without deeds.

Investigate their debts: credit card, bank, home loan, car loan, car lease, etc. Discover how these will be resolved. Are any of these debts set up so that your surviving parent would be responsible for them? If so, can that be changed?

While creditors can collect some debts incurred as a married couple from a surviving spouse, there is no such thing as generational debt in American law. Their children cannot inherit a parent's debt after passing. Any debtor seeking payment on these from you is a scam, and it is safe to hang up.

How You Can Help

Now that you have collected information, it's time to figure out how to use it. Generally, the easiest way to handle all the financial problems accompanying death is to attain power of attorney (POA) over your parent's estate. A POA should be done with your parent's capabilities in mind and not be misused. If your surviving parent can still pay the bills, then let them. But often, even if they are still capable, parents will give power of attorney to their children because they don't want to deal with it anymore.

A POA can be defined in several ways. For example, you can tie your decision-making power to certain assets and events. A POA can go into effect upon a parent becoming incapacitated. Suppose a parent is worried about you having complete control of their finances. In that case, a POA can be limited to dealing with insurance companies or making payments from a designated bank account.

Besides obtaining a POA, here are some specific actions you’ll want to take:

• Add yourself as a trusted party to their accounts.

• Get authorized by Social Security and Medicare, including their part C and D plans, to make payments and manage care.

• Become a designated party on their past employment benefits like pensions and 401Ks.

• Do they have a Last Will, a Trust?  Should they?

• Get authorized on HIPPA forms so your parent's doctor can keep you informed of their healthcare. Each one of these providers will need a copy of your POA.

• Review all automatic payments from their bank account to eliminate the irrelevant ones and prevent them from being scammed.

One last thing: make sure that you are not a stranger to your parent's financial and legal advisors when the time comes. In fact, drop in to say “hello” sometimes. It goes a long way in building trust and makes the transition much smoother. Don't come in like a stranger in the night seeking to manage finances.

The goal here is to set up all their accounts, protect their assets, and have the authority to make healthcare and or financial decisions. After a parent dies, the surviving parent is free to devote their energy to grieving, and for the most part, so are you.